Tuesday, 19 November 2013

Alice's Wonderland Wedding (2)

Alice and The Watchmaker by Mhairi M Robertson
I really cannae tell ye how much I love this picture...

Last month I shared a wee bit of the Wonderland Wedding story I wrote for Sharon with illustrations by Mhairi. Here's another tiny piece...

There were still several shops in the little town which Alice had not visited yet.
'Perhaps I should just go into the first shop I see, and ask if I can borrow something from them. A cup of sugar perhaps. Or some milk. People are always borrowing those sorts of things.'
The nearest shop was a watchmakers, it had a smiling clock face hanging outside.
'A cup of sugar from the watchmaker,' said Alice, 'what could be difficult about that?'
A clock bell chimed noisily as Alice stepped into the quiet shop. It was almost silent.
'Oh,' said Alice, 'I expected it would be full of ticking and tocking.'
'Why on earth would that be? The shop is full of broken unfinished clocks.' said a very small voice.
Alice turned expecting to see someone behind her. There was no one there.
'I have been trying to fix this for seven thousand nine hundred and nineteen hours now.' said the little voice, sounding rather tired.
Alice looked all around the shop, but couldn't see anyone.
'Hello! Is someone here?'
'Here! I'm here. In the workings.'
Alice saw a pocket watch all laid out on the shop counter, and there, in amongst all the cogs, wheels and springs, was a little grey haired man with an enormous bushy moustache.
'My goodness. You're so tiny!'
'Well the very best way to fix a watch is to get in amongst it.' said the Watchmaker, 'Though this watch is quite the trickiest I have ever examined. First there was the jam to contend with. Then the cream. It was more cake than clock. No wonder it kept such terrible time.'
'Yes, the gentleman in question was nearly always late.'
'Oh!' said Alice, 'I believe I know who you mean.'
'However on the plus side, I have been able to make several rather nice flans with all the bits I've been scooping out. Baking is so much more relaxing a hobby than watchmaking.'
'Oh yes. You still have to watch the time, but you don't have to fix it.'
'What's wrong with this watch exactly?' asked Alice.
'Almost absolutely everything.' said the Watchmaker 'He had to fish it out of a well, it was running very slowly indeed down there.'
"I'm a bit behind the time myself,' said Alice, 'I wonder if I could perhaps borrow a cup of sugar for a wedding.'
'Afraid not,' said the Watchmaker, 'I've used all the sugar in the flans. And all the milk. I see you already have enough egg.'
The Watchmaker continued tinkering for a moment and then with a loud sigh, he threw all his little tools down on the counter.
'The thing is,' said the watchmaker, 'who is to say which clock is right any more.'
'Whatever do you mean?' asked Alice.
'If I'm to set all the clocks, and I decide that now one hour shall only last fifteen minutes so as to make time pass quicker whenever I have to visit Maiden Aunts, then is an hour really an hour anymore?'
'Yes,' said Alice very firmly, and then, 'oh, maybe not. I suppose an hour is however long you are told it is really. Though they certainly seem longer in the afternoon.'
'Precisely,' said the Watchmaker, 'and suppose someone has already decided an hour is quicker than it is, and what we think is an hour isn't an hour at all. Suppose an hour in this shop is different from an hour in the one across the road. You might leave here and arrive there before you've gone.'
The Watchmaker shook his head sadly.
'I think perhaps you should consider some more baking.' suggested Alice.
'Yes.' said the Watchmaker.
'Meantime,' said Alice, 'would you mind awfully if I borrowed this watch?'
'Well as it isn't working I don't suppose it matters who has it. Maybe it will actually give me a chance to fix something else I've been ignoring. I've a cat trapped in a clock I've been meaning to look at.'
'It's actually inside the clock?'
"I think so. Could be anywhere really.'
"Yes,' said Alice, 'I know a few cats like that myself.'

At this time of year, you may also enjoy a bit of Winter Wonderland, an Alice Christmas story I am totally going to finish next year. Yep. For realises. That's right.

Both Mhairi who illustrated the story and Sharon (who I wrote the story for) will be in attendance selling cool stuff with a whole lot of interesting folk at the Violet Skulls Market in The Dutch Gable House on Saturday 30 November. Come one come all.

Here's just a wee selection of the photos that Sharon will be selling as cards...


Wednesday, 6 November 2013

Vogon Poetry

Earlier this year the Hitch Hikers Guide To The Galaxy live show ran a Vogon Poetry competition, and I was one of the three lucky winners...so this poem has more of an excuse to be awful than the other ones I post.

Unblurst Flatula

Vast orbled sprattlefurk,
Wheezes blungest, horfing in wurmstudge;
Peuce rot warples dewily
Down glorgly primpled tunk
Blarpflanging in wretched ufflescag.
Let's split the bill.

Tragically, before I could bask in the brief glory of the poem actually being read out at the show tonight and meeting the fantastic cast with my children...the tour was unexpectedly cancelled to make way for...no tour. A real nightmare for the hard working cast and crew.

Like every right minded carbon based lifeform, I love the work of Douglas Adams, if you do too, you won't be disappointed by this excellent vid...